Sunday, January 20, 2013

Freedom comes with a price ~ Chapter 1

"Sometimes, it takes awhile for a person to learn how to be who they were before. Some times you have to completely reinvent yourself." Spencer stood beside me as I sat in my wheelchair. "You don't have to be anything that you don't want to be, Ande. I know how frustrating it is to really want something but can't have it, like you and the life you really want. You can't erase your past but you can rewrite your future."

I stared at the wall, I haven't really grasped yet that my legs wont work. Spencer says that there is a possibility of repairing the damage done to them, but he said we shouldn't count on that. The surgery would take hours and reminding my legs that they work would take weeks. And the chance that it would work is one in a thousand. Spencer just doesn't see why we would take that chance.

My mom keeps urging him to just do it, but he doesn't think she really knows the risk. She's been telling me that I can't live the rest of my life in a hospital room but I just push her out of my mind when I sit there in the dark. She tries to beg me to make Spencer do the surgery and continue the 100 baby challenge but ignoring her is easier than trying to tel her no.

When I finally gave in and went home, nobody was there. All the kids were gone and I had no clue where they were. I figured they were at moms but I couldn't be sure, with all the commotion going about these past few days, I didn't even think about making sure they were all okay. I'm such a terrible mother, it's a blessing in disguise that I can no longer have children. 

All I had was myself and hopefully, a few more hours of quiet. I called my dad and found out that the kids were at their house, so I grabbed my secret stash and wheeled myself outside into the dark. Smoking felt good. I just let myself go into the way the smoke fulled my lungs and then escaped through my mouth or nose. I have never smoked before in my life...But I liked it.

No matter how many times I called mom, she never sent the kids home. I threatened to wheel myself to her house but she told me "I'm not bringing these kids back to your house. You can't even take care of yourself, so how are you going to take care of five children? I'll make sure they all grow up and move out on their own."
That was the last straw. I couldn't deal with this woman anymore. "Mom, just because I quit your fucking challenge doesn't mean that I don't love my kids. You are a psycho bitch and maybe it's YOU that needs the therapy."  I hung up in a huff and sat back in my chair. I didn't think this day could get any worse...and I was right.

It only got better. Especially, when out of nowhere...Spencer comes bounding out of the elevator.
"Ande!" He scared the crap out of me and I jumped and fell off the couch.
"Good! You're here." He picked me up and sat me back on the couch, then took a seat across from me." I have awesome news." I looked at him, waiting. "Aph just gave birth to a baby girl. You'll never guess what she named her!"
I bit my lip and didn't even attempt to guess because 5 seconds later, he said "Iris."
This made me smile because (If you didn't know) my middle name is Iris and the fact that Spencer would come all this way to deliver this news when he could have just called my cell.

"She's adorable, ha-" his phone interrupted what he was about to say with a quick three note beep. He silently apologized and flipped open the phone. "Hey Ella, I'm on my way! I had to drop off a bit of news at a friend's. I'll be there in just a few minutes!"
He hung up and shoved his phone back in his pocket. "It was Ella, we're having dinner at her parents tonight and I'm a little scared. They're strict people."
"Good luck with that." I said, maybe a little too coolly, and he just looked at me.
"Ande, I want to do your surgery. I want you to be able to walk again...But maybe we should wait until you feel a little better..."
"Spencer, my mom took my kids away and I called her a psycho bitch. I have nothing left to say to anyone, even myself."

He bit his lip and grabbed my hand. "Okay, can you spend at least 3 weeks in this wheelchair? After 3 weeks of recovery, we'll do the surgery and just pray that it's successful. That will give you just a bit of time to think about everything and kinda get used to the chair if something goes wrong."
"And if something does go wrong?"
"I could possibly kill you, Ande. I really don't want to take that risk but if you want to...I'll get a team of surgeons together and we'll do it."

I didn't really say no but I didn't really say yes. He left on "Just think about it for awhile." and I did. I thought about it from that day on until I couldn't take to think about it anymore. I no longer cared about the risk. I wanted out of this prison chair.